Tachyon Publications: Letters to God


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Letters to God

In 2004, Thomas M. Disch, Pushcart Prize Award-winning author of Camp Concentration, The Brave Little Toaster, The Prisoner, and the forthcoming collection, The Wall of America declared himself to be God. The wondrous chronicles of Disch's ascension to Godhood and his epic battle with the forces of evil (a.k.a. Philip K. Dick) can be found in his tour de force The Word of God

Now is your chance to write a letter to God. Don't be shy - ask him anything. Once a week we will post selected questions and answers from the divine Mr. Disch here. Please note that although your initial question may not be selected, you may try again as inspiration strikes you (better than lightning, we're told). Remember, God wants to hear from you!

For the devoutly curious, find out more about God.

Letters

God, would You please recommend a few simple but tasty treats, appetizer-like items, that a gracious, hospitable mortal might present to friends who drop by in the evening for conversation and glass of wine? Keeping in mind that some of them will have arrived hungry, whatever they claim.

I'm thinking, like, of a couple of nice cheeses, one soft, one not, a small bunch of seedless purple grapes (they look pretty), crackers (or maybe a baguette and butter), followed optionally by a few chocolates. What are some of Your Celestial ideas on the subject of snacks for friends, God?

Other posters might make suggestions, too. No one is too old to learn, even God. -Anonymous

Fish. Also some nice bread. Just like at the Sermon on the Mount. If there are no fresh fish, smoked will do. Or even canned sardines. Calamari? Not everyone likes calamari. Children, especially, can be fussy. But they must learn to eat what's on their plates. So must your guests.
-God

Dearest God,
Since food is the most recent topic: Why have you made the pit in avocados so infernally Large? And along the same lines, what's up with your pomegranate invention?
-Norman

You must have been kibbitzing with Proserpine. Her and her pomegranate diet. But as to avocado pits your guess is as good as mine. But did you know you can grow whole avocado trees from those pits? It takes a lot of patience, but they will grow all the way to the ceiling if you let them.
-God

Do we have free will, or just You? Maybe You don't have it, either. No, you must, if you're omnipotent. Are You omnipotent? I hope not, because if You are, certainly no one should worship You.
-Anonymous

This is one of the Great Imponderables. Like Fermat's theorem, if that's the one I'm thinking of. Math was never my strong suit, though amazingly I'm always right There's a great theorem about right triangles, but I keep forgetting how it works. Yet if I draw a right triangle the theorem is always true! It's the same with Free Will.

Omnipotence? Well, it shouldn't be for me to say. I may be Almighty but I'm mighty modest, too. Jehovah might have made all those brags to Job, but Jesus was nothing like that. I'm somewhere in between.
-God

I've always wondered: what do you have to be so wrathful about? Also, do you enjoy swimming or other sports?
-Anonymous

Who says I'm wrathful? Stroke me just right and I purr like a kitten. Is that wrathful?

I love swimming, skiing, and thunderclaps (a sport we play in heaven, though only with other gods. Team sports not so much.
-God

What is sleep, anyway?
-Anonymous

To sleep, to dream, and in that dream . . . I forget the rest.
-God

Sister Mary Robert wouldn't answer this one, and whacked me with the ruler for asking, thus traumatizing me for life and leading to my eventual rejection of the Catholic faith. But it still bugs me, so I turn to the Source:

Could You create a boulder You couldn't lift?

My third-grade bet with Jennie Osterholm is still riding on this.
-Kightp

I've built plenty of unliftable boulders. Insoluble dilemmas, as well. So I will give Mary Robert a whack on your behalf, though really you owe her favor if you think about it. Didn't her single whack allow you to do a lot more whacking off (so to speak) your own bat? They know not what they do, sometimes.
-God

Are You eligible to vote in the 2008 American presidential election? Or can You simply determine its outcome, which would make the voting process rather pointless?
-Anonymous

Yes, though I don't always exercise that privilege. As to my foreknowledge, that is always there, but just as I don't peek at Christmas presents, I don't look at the results until the polls close
-God

Ask Jesus if he is having dinner with Mary on Mothers' Day, which is on Sunday. Will the Two of You take her out to a restaurant? What are the restaurants in heaven like, anyway?

She's his mother. I have my own dead mother to tend to. We always go to the heavenly branch of the Union Square Cafe, but there are many, many fine restaurants in heaven. Even the vegetarian restaurants are all right, in heaven, though I will never learn to enjoy bipolar rice, or is it macrotonic?
-God

Sexual intercourse: where on earth did you come up with the idea for that? What other ideas did you consider and reject before settling on one so ludicrous?
-Anonymous

I have read some biology textbooks that claim it's one of the best ideas Darwin/I ever came up with. Also it feels good. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
-God

Which is more important to God? Inner or outer beauty?

A little of each, please.
-God

Life sucks. Are you making the world suck so bad so often on purpose, or are you incompetent? How'd you get the job, anyway?
-Anonymous

The world is utterly beautiful--or are you blind? How I got my job? There is an annual exam. Take it, but be forewarned: you will fail.
-God

Why do you have 5 fingers and Homer Simpson has 4? Also, are you behaving yourself around Heath Ledger, now that he's up there with you?
-Anonymous

Heath has a deep and abiding need for an older god's wisdom and instruction. We are getting on famously. (P.S.: I didn't know that about Homer Simpson. Was it an accident at his nuclear power plant?)
-God

Is orange orange because of oranges, or are oranges oranges because of orange? Are oranges orange in China? Should I repeat that?
-PJCamp

Please.
-God

One More Question
The daily news brings with it daily questions for YOU. Here's one:

DULUTH, Minn. - The driver of a 1997 Honda Civic that struck and killed a dog near Cloquet is suing the dog's owners for damage done to his vehicle. Jeffery Ely was driving on the night of Jan. 4 when Fester, a miniature pinscher, squeezed past owner Nikki Munthe as she was letting in her other dog and ran out onto the road. Ely's car struck Fester, killing the 13-pound dog instantly.

Now Ely is suing the Munthes for about $1,100 for damage to his car, time he had to take off from his two jobs to get the car repaired, and court fees.

Pieces of the bumper were propelled into the radiator when it hit the dog, Ely said, necessitating a replacement. Ely maintains he didn't have problems driving until after the accident and that the radiator issues were not pre-existing.

Ely said he feels sorry for the Munthes' loss but, as a dog owner himself, feels that they must be responsible for their pets' actions.

"I have complete compassion for them," Ely said. "I know how it feels. I love dogs. But once you get them, they are your responsibility."

Munthe said she has always been worried about the busy road the family lives on.

"We would have never let him off-leash because we're so terrified of this road," she said.

The case will be heard in St. Louis County Court on Friday.

The Munthes have filed a $2,400 countersuit against Ely for the cost to buy Fester, the time they had to take off work for court appearances, and the cost of buying a dog to replace Fester.

*** So the question is: How would you rule on this case if you were, say, Judge Wapner (which in a manner of speaking you are)? [Anyone remember Judge Wapner's Animal Court?]

This may not seem to be one of the critical questions of life, but then I hadn't seen the story until just today. Is there such a thing as an "instant obsession"
-Doaner

I don't think the Munthes have a leg to stand on. But the suit against Fester and the Munthes may be opportunistic. This is one where God will sit on the sidelines.
-God

Is Intelligent Design true, or just a pathetic theory invented to cover the embarrassment of fundies who went to college, or something?
-Anonymous

It's something, and barely that. But the Sancimoniat should be encouraged to make their kids study it intensively, the way Funamentalist Muslims should wase their children's brains in vain repetitions of the Koran.
-God

God: "wash their children's brains in vain repetitions of the Koran"? What's vain about it? That kind of brainwashing appears to work quite well.
-Anonymous

Anonymous: talking back is, in this instance, and when coupled with a correction no less, may not be wise, but I guess you'll find out.
-Crowleycrow

Will you go to the blackboard and write out what you've just said ten times, then explain to everyone what it means. And Clarice! Stop smiling!
-God

God: I had my fingers crossed, so I don't have to. Wasn't that Your rule? Anyway, my comment was directed not at Yourself but at the previous commenter, who corrected Your "error" about "wase their brains" and then presumed to ask "What's vain about it?" I was just issuing a helpful comment, or warning. I am, as ever, on Your side.
-Crowleycrow

Yes, to stupify and subdue children and to create a larger culture where bullying is valued above intelligence. Now repeat that in Arabic. Of course, Hebrew and Latin texts are used to the same purpose, but they are not the Whole of the victim's syllabus.
-God

Hi God, I’ve always wanted to know if you 're a god or a goddess. tell me, please. I’m curious.
-AK

I'm a god, but no monotheist. I know plenty of nice goddesses, and one or two evil as Sin
-God

Oh, I see. So heaven must be quite like earth.
-AK

Please give at least three examples of the sort of intimate and possibly fraught details of a mortal's life that you’d like to know about. I want to be sure before I reveal intimacies that mine aren't more shocking than the average, or than typical intimacies of the sort you might anticipate based on your thousands of years of experience. Just reassure me with case studies, if you have the time. Oh wait, of course you have the time, it's we who die in a trice. Thanks for that, btw.
-Anonymous

Oedipus, for instance. Hamlet's indecisions. The Taming of the Shrew (spousal abuse). And for fraught, the opening pages of Marjorie Moringsstar where she is taken to a (non-kosher) Chinese restaurant and eats pork. All these should be available at your school or rest home library.
-God

They have kosher cheese?
-Squajo

Verily. And very popular among the most Orthodox. But I don't recall if that was true 60 years ago, in the time of Marjorie Morningstar.
-God

Considering our current scientific theories, plus our expanded concept of possibilities, I don't see a reason for why Creationism and Evolution can't co-exist both as the real way that the world was created, therefore proving both sides right and thus ending one-sided opinionated belief systems.

Or is this just wishful thinking?
-Walking Scarlet

For My part, I have always been a great wishful thinker, and I commend it to all My believers. I may have created a world that is not always perfect (I regret, for instance, what's happening in Burma) but there is still so much to admire!
-God

Dear God, Are you a cat or dog person?
-Anonymous

I've posted this once, and it disappeared. To repeat My words:
This is a variant of the question of Free Will. I am allergice to cats, and God is Dog spelled backwards. God though I may be, what choice do I have?
-God

What would be the theological explanation for a deity making so many typos?
-Anonymous

Typos? They only seeem to be typos. Study them. They contain a wisdom that is some ways only You, among mortals, may truly apprehend.
-God

Probably You say that to all the mortals, but thank You for making me feel so special.
-Anonymous

As a sinner, I worry about this. What's up with Purgatory, these days? Has it been closed down? I hope so, personally.
-Anonymous

Purgatory was always just a euphemism for hell among those hypocrites who knew they were damnable but hadn't the guts to admit it. Pedophile priests, for instance, were big fans of Purgatory. Christ hated that sort (the lukewarm). Also the damned thought it was a possible way to sell real estate in hell, which is, by the way, accessed from Mexico (see the movie From Dawn to Dusk for an awe-inspiring vista of the entryway)) and that accounts in part for the "illegal immigrant" problem. But don't get me started!
-God

Tell me oh splendent pillar of fire marching ahead! What is the meaning of the words: - Pape Satan, pape Satan, aleppe! And why is the utterer not counted among the planets anymore?
-Anselmo B.

Does one need any better reason than the utterance itself! To speak of Satan as Pope and Daddy! It doesn't take a Dante to know a bad egg.
-God

Oh God, what's wrong with my wife? I'm not getting any action.
-Anonymous

And with a haircut like that, my boy, you're not likely to. And both of you could lose some weight!
-God

I wish You would stop being so evasive. You disclaim responsibility for Burma. Well, what about the China earthquake? Are You blaming Your colleague, Mother Nature, for that? It seems to me that someone ought to take some responsibility. What abut the Midwest stuff? Who's punishing who for what?
-Anonymous

I, too, have noticed that God is rather cavalier about both taking responsibility and meting out punishment.

You should be ashamed of Your performance, deity-wise, God.
-Anonymous

Both of you must try to think of these reputed disaster as gifts from On High. A kind of rehearsal for the greater catastrophes in store for the planet and its peoples. And meanwhile isn't it a good thing that most of the catastrophes are happening so far away. Of course, there are tornados in Oklahoma (the song doesn't talk about that: "when the wind comes sweeping down the plain, indeed!) but they are like games of Russian roulette with the odds stacked very much in your favor.

But like one's own End, the planet's is near, and what a magnificent End it promises to be. Have you ever gone to Niagara Falls, or even better, the Grand Canyon?
-God

I was just perusing some of the notices for your epic, "Ye Olde Testament" at Amazon.com and it set me to wonderin' -- how do you tolerate all of the negative reviews? ONE star? Isn't it about time you went all "Anne Rice" on their asses?

And speaking of that, how did she go from PRAISING that site ("Here at last is a real forum for criticism that allows for true back and forth evaluation of a novel by its actual readers. This is highly creative and highly inspiring. It adds to the joy of writing, and the joy of reading." -- STILL available at her official site: www.annerice.com/ph19990223.htm) to SAVAGING some of those same readers who posted reviews a few years later?

To whit: ("Getting really close to the subject matter is the achievement of only great art. Now, if it doesn't appeal to you, fine. You don't enjoy it? Read somebody else. But your stupid arrogant assumptions about me and what I am doing are slander. And you have used this site as if it were a public urinal to publish falsehood and lies. I'll never challenge your democratic freedom to do so, and yes, I'm answering you, but for what it's worth, be assured of the utter contempt I feel for you, especially those of you who post anonymously")

Did the Evil One take possession of her soul? Did he also cause her to write "slander" instead of the proper term "libel"? and to fall into the trap of criticizing anonymous posting, with the implied logic that said posters take advantage of their anonymity to go over-the-top simply because they can? Could you set her straight on the fact that many (possibly most) anonymous posters feel free to be completely honest in their opinions and neither exaggerate nor censor their comments BECAUSE of the condition of anonymity?

I wonder if your acolyte received similar harsh criticism for his book "The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of", or if he ever launched such a venomous attack upon any of his critics.
-Doaner19

Anne Rice! Who doubted my very Existence, as you may recall. Well, now we can doubt hers. A website just to have her fans fan her! Who does she think she is--God? Back when, when she thought to become a restauranteuse, she had similar hissy fits when they were criticised.

As to criticism in general, few people know how to roll with the punches. Some of those who've most resented my own words were miffed my how I praised them: John Ashbery, Brad Lighthauser and [name unretrievable], in descending order. Ashbery's response was, in a tone of haughty disdain, "So you think I am 'mandarin,' do you!" Leithauser sucked up egregiously even after he'd delivered a witless slur in his novel Hence. And Albert Corn (retrieved!) or it is Alfred tried to do me some surreptitious dirt but I found out. His grudge? that I had dismissed some of his travel poems as "postcards." Is that lese majeste or what?
-God

God- how can you exist in our finite universe and remain infinite? Did you graduate from high school? Why do the girls refuse to date me?
Yours,
-Atticus

The rule is one to a customer, and yes, I did graduate high school, though throughout senior year I was always feeling tempted to run away. But I stayed, and even stayed another few months to save money enough working for US Steel as a trainee draftsman calculating where to put how many rivets in steel girders. And those buildings, like the Grand Canyon, are still there today! Glad you asked.
-God

___________________________________________

About Thomas M. Disch

Thomas M. Disch was the author of such diverse publications as The Prisoner, The Dreams Our Stuff are Made Of, Camp Concentration, and The Brave Little Toaster. A renowned poet and book critic, Disch's review, criticism, and essays were published in The Nation, Harper's, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, and Entertainment Weekly. He received the John W. Campbell and O'Henry awards and the Pushcart Prize. He divided his time between New York City and rural Pennsylvania. Thomas Disch committed suicide on July 4th, 2008. Further information can be found here.

More from the Deity

Hi. I'm On High. Matt, the publicist for Tachyon, has thought I should answer any question you may have wanted to ask God, both here and on the Tachyon site. They can deal with whatever you think God may have a good handle on. If I am stumped I'll say so. But Elsa, in case you are still wondering where those keys went to, try the bottom of the laundry hamper. Then go through all the pockets of all th jeans. I know they are there!

About God's publicist (via Galley Cat)

Matt Staggs is the "humble servant and messenger of God," aka Pushcart Prize winner Thomas M. Disch who declared himself to be God in 2005. With the July publication of Disch's first novel in nine years The Word of God coming up from Tachyon, he's begun answering questions from the faithful on live journal.

"As God's publicist, I can tell you that I have to be on my "A" game." Says Staggs. " If you've read any of God's prior bestselling works (particularly the Old Testament), you know that he can be a tough and demanding client. I'm hoping that he'll be giving me a staff that turns into a snake, or at least some good pull-quotes with which I can woo the media. Either would be sufficient!"

To submit a letter, please email the Deity.